Wedding? Marriage?

Every little girl hopes to be a princess, every girl would dream to find her prince get married and live happily ever after. Fairy tales always give an idea of happy ending but what about reality? Does every story have their happy ending? How do you define happy ending? When does it start and when does it end? As a little girl and even up to last year, I have always dreamt of having a big ballroom wedding, with close family and close friends.. A night to remember for this lifetime.. But at the beginning of the year, I realised that I might not be getting what I have always dream of.. Winter themed ballroom, snowflakes hanging, tall wedding cake, dance floor, white dress.. Smile on every face.. warmth and joy from people you loved the most in this life.. Will it all be just a dream? But when I think of marriage.. What is marriage? Is it really about spending hundred of thousands of money for a night to remember? How long will you remember it for? Will everyone at the party remember it? or will it be just another wedding to attend to.. another amount of money to spend.. another normal marriage.. Wedding is just an occasion,, a celebration, a party.. Marriage is about love, about trust, about happiness, about who we want to spend the rest of our lives with.. Marriage is more than just an occasion.. It consists of all occasions, all celebrations and all parties.. I know I may regret this one day.. But I would just remind myself, there might be more happiness in my life than just that one night.. Everyday and every night of my marriage life should be memorable and should be amazing.. My marriage should be about experience and not money.. Having a million dollar wedding doesn't guarantee happiness a lifetime.. Getting married does not provide you security.. All I want is simple.. I just want to grow old with a man i loved and loves me back with all the love in the world.. Make all kind of memories of this lifetime.. Keep it, remember it and forever cherish it.. P.S: If you have all the resources, get a big wedding.. and make everyone happy..

Family, traditions??

Chinese new year 2014, year of horse has just started. I celebrated it with my sister and cousin in Melbourne. Is really funny how sometimes people would feel about small stuff. Since I came to Melbourne in 2011, which was after that year's chinese new year, I have never felt so empty and lonely. I really don't know what or why i feel that way, it could be of so many reasons. Year 2012 Chinese new year, I celebrated in Melbourne and I had a long lost relative from my father's side in Melbourne. My sister and I with two other cousins went to their house and had a hot pot to celebrate the new year. It was nothing planned, it just happen because a cousin of mine fly in from sydney. Anyway, I wasn't feeling lonely or "homesick".. I was actually alright besides the part where I don't get my red packets anymore. Year 2013, I was lucky to celebrate chinese new year with my boyfriend and his family at their hometown, back in Kuching. Anyway, I felt so much loved and blessed. The family was friendly and warm and I really don't want to ever forget the feeling. This year, I celebrated chinese new year in Melbourne eating hotpot with my sister and cousin. We went shopping and we cooked together. However, I felt really empty, I felt lonely and I missed "Home" so much.. But then it got me thinking which "home" did I miss? My home was not really a home because sometimes I feel that I am not wanted there. Even though I did go back, there would be quarrels, shouting, tears and harsh words. When I do want to get back home, I would prefer seeing them one at a time, individually instead of as a family together. But when I think about Kuching "Home", I felt really happy and I have the closure there. I felt awkward but safe and happy. This year I found that my boyfriend received a ticket from his sister so that he'll go back and be a family for the new year. It is a tradition from ancient chinese that during the new year, family members get together no matter which part of the world they are staying in. At least one thing I know that my boyfriend family cherish the idea of a family. They loved each other and at least even for just a week, being together and celebrating the new year together will bring so much happiness and joy in each one of them. I want that too. I want a family that would ask me to go back home even for 5 days to celebrate chinese new year together, a family where money is not the most important thing but togetherness, love and warmth plays an important role. My sister keep telling me that I could have gone home, go back to jakarta. But I didn't choose to, because I felt if I did go back to jakarta, would my parents be happy to see me? Would they be proud that I could buy my own ticket and not burden them? Would they want to spend everyday with me? Would they show me that they love me, understood me and respect me? Maybe I just want to save some bullshit and save me from all the heartache.. I did regret not going back for chinese new year. No matter what my parents would say or do, it shouldn't affect me at all because I wanted to spend time with them, even though its not like 24/7 or even half of it.. I just wanted to be with them. The feeling of togetherness, family.. I want that I need that! Many who knows my story told me that I never give them a chance to come in to my heart but maybe because they have locked me out of theirs for too long. I don't care if I have good or bad history with them, all I want is not to regret anything coz life is too short. I have decided and made that as a resolution that I would work hard, save lots more money to be able to be with my family for at least a few weeks every year. It could be that I visit them or they visit me or we could go somewhere for holiday. All I want is to be able to spend time with my loved ones, which includes my boyfriend and his family as well.

Recap of another year..

Many things happen within a year, some may be good while others could have been the worst experience ever. No matter what that is, we learn from every thing we do, it doesn't matter if it was a mistake or not. Year 2013 passed leaving memories behind. The first half of the year was pretty tough. But there was beautiful pictures too. I went to Kuching to celebrate Chinese New Year, Valentine's day and my 22nd Birthday. It was wonderful and I was really happy that I was allowed to experience the holiday. I felt really blessed having a boyfriend whose family is very welcoming and friendly friends. The sad part about the whole trip was when I had to return to Melbourne and I wasn't accompanied by my boyfriend. It was his time to explore another part of the world. He was going to Singapore to pursue his dreams. Half a year passed by and my first semester doing my Master degree has just ended. I passed all my subjects and I was really happy. I didn't think of going to Singapore even though I missed him so much and that our anniversary was coming up. I stayed in Melbourne to work and hopefully I could save up enough for the year end to visit him of course after my sister's graduation. However, things start to get out of control and complicated around October. I told my parents that I'm planning to go to Singapore year end or beginning of the next year and my dad told me that I can't go even though I told him I had saved up and I'll be using my money. I had savings and I had save up for my holiday as well as for my return. I went through a really bad meltdown. I wasn't up for anything. No mood for work, no mood for uni, not even to eat. Everything crashes,, my dreams, my hope, my faith and my wish. Things probably got worse when I failed one of my mid-semester test. I failed dreadfully.. In order to pass that subject I had to work super hard for my final exam.. I need to at least get 70 out of 100 for my final exam. By this time, my boyfriend was busy with his work and we had things talked out by earlier of the next month.. I started to understand his schedule and did what he asked me to do. I was not allowed to disturb him when he is at work and I can only talk to him for max 20 minutes a day.. And when he went out or didn't find me at all, it doesn't bother me anymore. I start to think that maybe I'm used to everything already,, or that I have understood what he asked of me. However by the next month, I met someone at work and I felt something. I felt someone that could fill in all the empty room in my heart, someone that could be there to talk to or someone that could be there when i need him to. It was a mistake when I start to have my thoughts on him. I know that I'm falling and fast.. After a few days, I told my boyfriend about this guy and he told me to think about our relationship and what I want. He didn't stop me or whatever. He still acts the same and didn't change himself at all. At times he would still say things that hurts or breaks my heart. But I chose my boyfriend in the end. However, that didn't last long.. By the middle of December I have fallen and I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I was confused, I was stuck, I was stressed, I was trapped by my own feelings. I didn't let my head think but I allowed my heart to play too hard. And that's when I hit the ground hard. I let another guy kissed me.. I told my boyfriend and he stopped talking to me for two weeks. He almost ended everything between us. I begged him to think it over again and if possible give me a second chance. During that two weeks I think things thoroughly and decide what I want to do next in my life. During this time I kept on thinking, I doubted myself. I don't know if I'm ready to be committed. I don't know if I still want him,, I don't know if I still love him or am I just scared to be alone. I tried to be alone, I tried to live my life and I let him go.. I know that I still love him a lot but I didn't want it to be the love that forces me to be dependent. After two weeks I tried to recover but I was still beating myself.. Right now, frankly,, I still doubt myself.. Am I ready to be committed.. Am I still the same person I was before I met that guy, before I made the mistake.. I'm meeting my boyfriend soon and hopefully, everything will be different in a good way.. Since he decide to talk to me again, I see a few changes in him. There are a few that is permanently stuck with him, but I know that he is trying hard to change to be better.. or at least to be the guy that I want.. There are many questions that I would still need to look for the answers to.. There are still many things to be figured.. My doubts still needs to be clarified.. Hopefully, a new year will bring a greater year and this year hopefully I could accomplish all my resolutions.. The new year I'll make things happen and would not wait for things to happen..

Small Mistake Huge Mistake..

Everyone makes mistake! No one is perfect.. The magnitude of mistake people make varies and nobody could really say whether it is a small mistake or a huge mistake. However, who ever made the mistake will be blamed and will always be the faulty person. But have anyone ever thought maybe both party were at fault or maybe the other party was the reason the mistake happen… Let us give it some thought. Being in a LDR and not getting as much affection or attention from your loved ones maybe a dangerous sign for a relationship. You may think that nothing would happen or your partner may not be doing anything. However, there are many things that goes beyond your mind. People adapts to situation and environment real quick. Everything could happen in a blink of an eye. There is no wrong in always letting your partner know how you are feeling and even if you have to cry your eyes out, it is always better than if you keep everything inside you and let it eat you up.. Soon enough, you'll have doubt about your feelings for your partner. It will not be effective anymore even though you keep on convincing that you still love him and you only wanted him. Especially when there is another person who is right in front of you, making you feel comfortable and showing you his way of affection. Don't let that other person knock on your heart coz, your heart will answer.. Be strong and fight back. Sit down, reflects on the times you spent with your partner,, the first time you met, the first time he holds your hand, the first kiss, the first butterfly in your tummy.. Think of all the good and the bad.. Let your heart take you back to the wonderful time you guys had and all those memories that remains as time pass.. Think and think and think.. Are you really ready to let everything go and start something new and unfamiliar OR would you stay with your partner.. Love will tell you the answer.. Let your mind go free and let your heart feel whatever it wants to.. Let the tears flow and let the butterfly tickles.. Let your voice out and SCREAM… Its not easy and will never be easy.. It doesn't have painkillers that you could take.. You would just need to experienced it.. It's a part of life.. If you are the one being hurt, think.. is this relationship more important or your partner's mistake? What if you were the one who did the mistake? What do you want him/her to do?? Is he/she worth the forgiveness?? It does take a lot of thinking.. take time and think.. :)

LDR (long distance relationship)

What is wrong with LDR? What makes it work and what destroys it? Why are people so afraid to go through with it?

What makes LDR so tough is actually a matter of TRUST, the presence of mind of each party and also the ability to control one's emotion.

There is no much difference having a LDR and having a normal relationship, the difference is just location and time. Even though you are not having a long distance relationship, there is still a chance for your relationship to fall apart.. So what is the formulae to have a strong lasting relationship?

It is hard to believe and it is hard to implement, but what is going inside our mind may or maynot be the truth that is happening in reality.. Someone taught me that being in a relationship is all about TRUST, COMMUNICATION, FORGIVING and PATIENCE.. These factors are important especially if you are in a LDR..

Reading and understanding them is easy, but when told to implement them it is not that simple. There are other factors that might prevent you from being forgiving or thoughts that stop you from trusting or feelings that make you impatience..

It's alright.. You'll get there just one by one and a step at a time.. If you truly understand the meaning of each of the words, it'll help you not only in your love life but your other necessities as well..

Until now, i'm still looking for my answer.. Let's look together and never give up on love.. :)

Our love

Every single soul is unique in their own ways. I have never liked to be compared to and I promised myself I won't do that to my kids in future. But what I didn't realise is, those words actually affected me in many ways.. I have never really looked at myself and not comparing it with anyone. I have always been comparing my life, my study, my work and even my love life.. What I didn't realise is, that my life is unique by itself.. I don't have to be anyone to be success, to be respected or to be loved..

Recently I had come across many couples, married and still in relationship. And I wonder will I ever get that happily ever after with my own prince? They were all so romantic and so loving.. But I didn't know how long that happiness will last or whether they have faced worst of the worst..

Lately I have my own issues as well,, with trust, fears and desires.. I have not handled any of them well.. But at least I know that someone will be sent to me to make me realise that all that is just to make me understand more and get more mature..

I have always wanted a fairytale relationship, where my prince will recite a poem in the morning and carry me to bed at night.. Or probably just bringing breakfast in the morning and kissing me goodnight.. In reality, there are guys like that, those romantic and loving guys.. But my reality, no.. My boyfriend may not be the guy of my dreams or what i hoped for.. But he made it clear that for what is worth.. We love each other..

Our love is different from other couples and we handle things differently.. But we know in our own heart how much our love for each other are and that we have always been happy despite all the problems we've been through.. We have fought out battles till this far and we are not going to just give up like that.. The least is that this relationship was not built on lies or disguise.. We come clean since the first we met, showing our own self, not afraid to lose to fake identity.. Even though if we were just happy for the first two months of our relationship, at least that was worth it coz it was from us and not from "us" to just get the other person to fall in love..

*well, we are still happy right now even when we are hundred thousands of kilometres away from each other..

I fell in love with this person because he was amazingly tricky and cunning and challenging.. He played the reverse psychology thingy on me.. But yet again he did knock on my door and i answered it.. Before I answered, I told myself that I will fight for this relationship no matter what and he will be the last guy for me.. If he wasn't meant to be the one for me, let him disappear before me.. But I was relieved because when I answered the door, there he was waiting to take me by the hand and gave me my happiness..

What matters is the first step of the journey.. Coz it will be essential to remind you when your road are tough..

Fear..

Fear is in everyone's life. It does't matter if you are eve or you are fifty. Everyone has their own fear. Fear of being lied to, Fear of being cheated on, Fear on losing someone, Fear of losing yourself, Fear of death and Fear of living. We never know what the future holds for us, we can never know when the world will end and all our lives are resurrected into a different world. However, we know what happens this moment in our life, and we just need to live life this instant. Human beings never get away with fear. Many people said that they might have overcome fear but we never really look deep into ourself and really reflect what is our greatest fear. I have always believed that my greatest fear is death, but there might be other factor that I'm afraid of. Once when I was just sitting and reflecting on myself and I realised that the thing I fear the most is being alone. It doesn't matter in what context but I know that I would like to always have someone beside me, consciously or unconsciously. I never liked being left alone by anyone. All through my life there are other fears as well.. Fear of being caught after lying, fear of being punished after a fault is done, fear of losing someone you really love and fear of never finding happiness in life anymore. My life has never been easy on me, there are many things that had happened in my life as a child, a teenager and now a young adult. I'm still in search of answer on how to eliminate fear in life, it may be hard but its not impossible.. :D For the mean time, we just need to face our fears..