Family, traditions??

Chinese new year 2014, year of horse has just started. I celebrated it with my sister and cousin in Melbourne. Is really funny how sometimes people would feel about small stuff. Since I came to Melbourne in 2011, which was after that year's chinese new year, I have never felt so empty and lonely. I really don't know what or why i feel that way, it could be of so many reasons. Year 2012 Chinese new year, I celebrated in Melbourne and I had a long lost relative from my father's side in Melbourne. My sister and I with two other cousins went to their house and had a hot pot to celebrate the new year. It was nothing planned, it just happen because a cousin of mine fly in from sydney. Anyway, I wasn't feeling lonely or "homesick".. I was actually alright besides the part where I don't get my red packets anymore. Year 2013, I was lucky to celebrate chinese new year with my boyfriend and his family at their hometown, back in Kuching. Anyway, I felt so much loved and blessed. The family was friendly and warm and I really don't want to ever forget the feeling. This year, I celebrated chinese new year in Melbourne eating hotpot with my sister and cousin. We went shopping and we cooked together. However, I felt really empty, I felt lonely and I missed "Home" so much.. But then it got me thinking which "home" did I miss? My home was not really a home because sometimes I feel that I am not wanted there. Even though I did go back, there would be quarrels, shouting, tears and harsh words. When I do want to get back home, I would prefer seeing them one at a time, individually instead of as a family together. But when I think about Kuching "Home", I felt really happy and I have the closure there. I felt awkward but safe and happy. This year I found that my boyfriend received a ticket from his sister so that he'll go back and be a family for the new year. It is a tradition from ancient chinese that during the new year, family members get together no matter which part of the world they are staying in. At least one thing I know that my boyfriend family cherish the idea of a family. They loved each other and at least even for just a week, being together and celebrating the new year together will bring so much happiness and joy in each one of them. I want that too. I want a family that would ask me to go back home even for 5 days to celebrate chinese new year together, a family where money is not the most important thing but togetherness, love and warmth plays an important role. My sister keep telling me that I could have gone home, go back to jakarta. But I didn't choose to, because I felt if I did go back to jakarta, would my parents be happy to see me? Would they be proud that I could buy my own ticket and not burden them? Would they want to spend everyday with me? Would they show me that they love me, understood me and respect me? Maybe I just want to save some bullshit and save me from all the heartache.. I did regret not going back for chinese new year. No matter what my parents would say or do, it shouldn't affect me at all because I wanted to spend time with them, even though its not like 24/7 or even half of it.. I just wanted to be with them. The feeling of togetherness, family.. I want that I need that! Many who knows my story told me that I never give them a chance to come in to my heart but maybe because they have locked me out of theirs for too long. I don't care if I have good or bad history with them, all I want is not to regret anything coz life is too short. I have decided and made that as a resolution that I would work hard, save lots more money to be able to be with my family for at least a few weeks every year. It could be that I visit them or they visit me or we could go somewhere for holiday. All I want is to be able to spend time with my loved ones, which includes my boyfriend and his family as well.