Wedding? Marriage?

Every little girl hopes to be a princess, every girl would dream to find her prince get married and live happily ever after. Fairy tales always give an idea of happy ending but what about reality? Does every story have their happy ending? How do you define happy ending? When does it start and when does it end? As a little girl and even up to last year, I have always dreamt of having a big ballroom wedding, with close family and close friends.. A night to remember for this lifetime.. But at the beginning of the year, I realised that I might not be getting what I have always dream of.. Winter themed ballroom, snowflakes hanging, tall wedding cake, dance floor, white dress.. Smile on every face.. warmth and joy from people you loved the most in this life.. Will it all be just a dream? But when I think of marriage.. What is marriage? Is it really about spending hundred of thousands of money for a night to remember? How long will you remember it for? Will everyone at the party remember it? or will it be just another wedding to attend to.. another amount of money to spend.. another normal marriage.. Wedding is just an occasion,, a celebration, a party.. Marriage is about love, about trust, about happiness, about who we want to spend the rest of our lives with.. Marriage is more than just an occasion.. It consists of all occasions, all celebrations and all parties.. I know I may regret this one day.. But I would just remind myself, there might be more happiness in my life than just that one night.. Everyday and every night of my marriage life should be memorable and should be amazing.. My marriage should be about experience and not money.. Having a million dollar wedding doesn't guarantee happiness a lifetime.. Getting married does not provide you security.. All I want is simple.. I just want to grow old with a man i loved and loves me back with all the love in the world.. Make all kind of memories of this lifetime.. Keep it, remember it and forever cherish it.. P.S: If you have all the resources, get a big wedding.. and make everyone happy..

Family, traditions??

Chinese new year 2014, year of horse has just started. I celebrated it with my sister and cousin in Melbourne. Is really funny how sometimes people would feel about small stuff. Since I came to Melbourne in 2011, which was after that year's chinese new year, I have never felt so empty and lonely. I really don't know what or why i feel that way, it could be of so many reasons. Year 2012 Chinese new year, I celebrated in Melbourne and I had a long lost relative from my father's side in Melbourne. My sister and I with two other cousins went to their house and had a hot pot to celebrate the new year. It was nothing planned, it just happen because a cousin of mine fly in from sydney. Anyway, I wasn't feeling lonely or "homesick".. I was actually alright besides the part where I don't get my red packets anymore. Year 2013, I was lucky to celebrate chinese new year with my boyfriend and his family at their hometown, back in Kuching. Anyway, I felt so much loved and blessed. The family was friendly and warm and I really don't want to ever forget the feeling. This year, I celebrated chinese new year in Melbourne eating hotpot with my sister and cousin. We went shopping and we cooked together. However, I felt really empty, I felt lonely and I missed "Home" so much.. But then it got me thinking which "home" did I miss? My home was not really a home because sometimes I feel that I am not wanted there. Even though I did go back, there would be quarrels, shouting, tears and harsh words. When I do want to get back home, I would prefer seeing them one at a time, individually instead of as a family together. But when I think about Kuching "Home", I felt really happy and I have the closure there. I felt awkward but safe and happy. This year I found that my boyfriend received a ticket from his sister so that he'll go back and be a family for the new year. It is a tradition from ancient chinese that during the new year, family members get together no matter which part of the world they are staying in. At least one thing I know that my boyfriend family cherish the idea of a family. They loved each other and at least even for just a week, being together and celebrating the new year together will bring so much happiness and joy in each one of them. I want that too. I want a family that would ask me to go back home even for 5 days to celebrate chinese new year together, a family where money is not the most important thing but togetherness, love and warmth plays an important role. My sister keep telling me that I could have gone home, go back to jakarta. But I didn't choose to, because I felt if I did go back to jakarta, would my parents be happy to see me? Would they be proud that I could buy my own ticket and not burden them? Would they want to spend everyday with me? Would they show me that they love me, understood me and respect me? Maybe I just want to save some bullshit and save me from all the heartache.. I did regret not going back for chinese new year. No matter what my parents would say or do, it shouldn't affect me at all because I wanted to spend time with them, even though its not like 24/7 or even half of it.. I just wanted to be with them. The feeling of togetherness, family.. I want that I need that! Many who knows my story told me that I never give them a chance to come in to my heart but maybe because they have locked me out of theirs for too long. I don't care if I have good or bad history with them, all I want is not to regret anything coz life is too short. I have decided and made that as a resolution that I would work hard, save lots more money to be able to be with my family for at least a few weeks every year. It could be that I visit them or they visit me or we could go somewhere for holiday. All I want is to be able to spend time with my loved ones, which includes my boyfriend and his family as well.

Recap of another year..

Many things happen within a year, some may be good while others could have been the worst experience ever. No matter what that is, we learn from every thing we do, it doesn't matter if it was a mistake or not. Year 2013 passed leaving memories behind. The first half of the year was pretty tough. But there was beautiful pictures too. I went to Kuching to celebrate Chinese New Year, Valentine's day and my 22nd Birthday. It was wonderful and I was really happy that I was allowed to experience the holiday. I felt really blessed having a boyfriend whose family is very welcoming and friendly friends. The sad part about the whole trip was when I had to return to Melbourne and I wasn't accompanied by my boyfriend. It was his time to explore another part of the world. He was going to Singapore to pursue his dreams. Half a year passed by and my first semester doing my Master degree has just ended. I passed all my subjects and I was really happy. I didn't think of going to Singapore even though I missed him so much and that our anniversary was coming up. I stayed in Melbourne to work and hopefully I could save up enough for the year end to visit him of course after my sister's graduation. However, things start to get out of control and complicated around October. I told my parents that I'm planning to go to Singapore year end or beginning of the next year and my dad told me that I can't go even though I told him I had saved up and I'll be using my money. I had savings and I had save up for my holiday as well as for my return. I went through a really bad meltdown. I wasn't up for anything. No mood for work, no mood for uni, not even to eat. Everything crashes,, my dreams, my hope, my faith and my wish. Things probably got worse when I failed one of my mid-semester test. I failed dreadfully.. In order to pass that subject I had to work super hard for my final exam.. I need to at least get 70 out of 100 for my final exam. By this time, my boyfriend was busy with his work and we had things talked out by earlier of the next month.. I started to understand his schedule and did what he asked me to do. I was not allowed to disturb him when he is at work and I can only talk to him for max 20 minutes a day.. And when he went out or didn't find me at all, it doesn't bother me anymore. I start to think that maybe I'm used to everything already,, or that I have understood what he asked of me. However by the next month, I met someone at work and I felt something. I felt someone that could fill in all the empty room in my heart, someone that could be there to talk to or someone that could be there when i need him to. It was a mistake when I start to have my thoughts on him. I know that I'm falling and fast.. After a few days, I told my boyfriend about this guy and he told me to think about our relationship and what I want. He didn't stop me or whatever. He still acts the same and didn't change himself at all. At times he would still say things that hurts or breaks my heart. But I chose my boyfriend in the end. However, that didn't last long.. By the middle of December I have fallen and I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I was confused, I was stuck, I was stressed, I was trapped by my own feelings. I didn't let my head think but I allowed my heart to play too hard. And that's when I hit the ground hard. I let another guy kissed me.. I told my boyfriend and he stopped talking to me for two weeks. He almost ended everything between us. I begged him to think it over again and if possible give me a second chance. During that two weeks I think things thoroughly and decide what I want to do next in my life. During this time I kept on thinking, I doubted myself. I don't know if I'm ready to be committed. I don't know if I still want him,, I don't know if I still love him or am I just scared to be alone. I tried to be alone, I tried to live my life and I let him go.. I know that I still love him a lot but I didn't want it to be the love that forces me to be dependent. After two weeks I tried to recover but I was still beating myself.. Right now, frankly,, I still doubt myself.. Am I ready to be committed.. Am I still the same person I was before I met that guy, before I made the mistake.. I'm meeting my boyfriend soon and hopefully, everything will be different in a good way.. Since he decide to talk to me again, I see a few changes in him. There are a few that is permanently stuck with him, but I know that he is trying hard to change to be better.. or at least to be the guy that I want.. There are many questions that I would still need to look for the answers to.. There are still many things to be figured.. My doubts still needs to be clarified.. Hopefully, a new year will bring a greater year and this year hopefully I could accomplish all my resolutions.. The new year I'll make things happen and would not wait for things to happen..