Whatever it is call...

I never thought that everything could stay this long. I am very happy and thankful though.. ;)

My feelings changes every single day but there is one thing that constantly changes every day.. Increasing each time i think about it.. And that is my love to you..

I don't know how and why I am feeling this way, i can't even understand my own feelings.. I don't know how to express it.. Neither in words nor in action..

All i know is that i love u more each day, u r more precious to me this minute than the last minute that have just pass.. You are more valueable to me now than ever.. I want you to stay with me forever, not everytime.. I wish this relationship never ends..

I feel in love with you every day.. It seems like i have just met you and tgen we are together and then we just met again..

It might seems crazy but baby.. I just love u.. I need you to be by my side.. I do know that i need you as much as i need the air to live..

Another 2 weeks.. Its our 6th month annive.. :D we will make things work out and we will hold on to this.. I believe and have faith that you want this relationship to work out as much as I want it to be..

CHECK LIST:
🔳 spend christmas eve together
🔳 spend new year's eve together
🔳 spend chinese new year's eve together
🔳 spend valentine's day together

When will i be heard??!!

I hate this damn feeling!! When will i be heard??!! Do i have to listen to all you want and i can't get what i want??!! I can give up on my priorities but can you??!!

Everytime u can't meet ur priorities, i would always have to cry to calm the situation.. Can't you think of me and my feelings??!! Should i to give up on what i really want?? Now the problem is not about the limited time you spent with me.. Now is that you can not feel and put your position on my position!!! Maybe its because we spent too much time together already..

I really don't know how to deal with it.. Seriously.. In a situation i promise myself that i'll do whatever u want but in another situation i'm hurting myself.. I really don't know which is more important for me right now... I got no feelings at all.. Should i be thinking for myself,, for us,, or for him??!!

I really don't know how much my opinion, idea and feelings mean to you anymore.. I don't know what kind of live i'm living in right now..

Do i have to sacrifice this much for this relationship?? Will all the sacrifices be worthwhile?? Will anything good happen at the right time?? Should i be keep holding on??!!!

My untired journey

Love is a journey, not a destination.. It is something that you should not be afraid of, it is something that you have to be brave enough to find it.. And when you have found it, you have to learn about it, learn its basic, understand its theory, and apply it in your daily life.. Practically, it will not be easy to apply it in life.. Coz just like ur study, what ever taught in school and what you will face in real life will never be the same..

Its hard to understand, its harder to apply..

I have walked a thousand miles, i've searched for twenty years.. I have been through all kind of ups and downs.. I have stepped on stones, i have touched thorns.. I have felt regretion, but never in my journey i ever want it to not happen..

All occurance that happen on my journey made me a stronger person, made me see the world in a wider scope, made me feel how lucky i am to be who i am..

Love as it is called is beautiful, gentle, warm.. But people treats and consider it differently and that is how love hurts them.. Many think that love is something painful, it is not worth trying, not worth having but who in life doesn't have love? Really..

Today i feel really lucky.. To be living in this world full of different kind of Love.. But above all i got the most amazing people with me..

Love can change a person but it is up to the person to change or not.. I don't want him to change for me or for love.. I want him to change for the sake of himself..

My journey may not end today nor tomorrow but for now i know i am happy and i am lucky.. :)

a Letter for LOVE...

Dear LOVE..

I have been tested by you a thousand times, I have played by you a million times but I have felt happy because of you a trillion times. No matter how much you hurt me, deep down inside me, you have grown rapidly.

A few days back I was disturbed by a thought of how to let your love ones go.. As in temporarily go, and permanently leave you. Will I be able to overcome my feelings? Will I have the strength to even accept the reality? Until now, I have not found the perfect answer, the answer that would help me through life, the answer that will build my inner peace and life stability. All these time, breaking up hurts, it'll last long but when there is a replacement, then the pain will disappear instantly. The fact that these relationship didn't last long could be the reason why I could get a new replacement for the old one.

When those questions popped to my head, there are several loved ones I take into account. First were my parents, second was my boyfriend and third was my other family members.. All these years, I never cherish what I got, I have always been thinking about how I feel and who I am and what I want.. But I never looked into what I need and what I already have.

At the same time I was disturbed by a feeling of jealousy, and negative thoughts. I tried to look for answers of how I really feel and what I really want right now.. I couldn't find the answers to it. I thought that my feelings were killed by the anger and jealousy I felt temporarily...

However, this morning I felt something totally different.. I was fully conscious and there in front of me was the body of one of my love ones, he was sleeping so peacefully, so calm and so happy. It seems that there was no thoughts, no burden, no sadness and no pain. I know that I might not be able to get another moment like this, therefore I cherish THE moment.. When I left him sleeping there, it strikes my mind that I love him.. I want to be with him.. I need him.. I am where I am because he is there.. Before I left, I told him I love him.. as many times as possible.. because there might not be another chance for you to say it, coz we never know what will happen in the next second you move.

Apparently that was the first time I really see the prettiness of love.. And as much as I could choose, I don't want to erase that memory from my head.. ^^

Thank you love for all the lesson you've taught me through all these relationships.. I cherish each and every one of it; from the past or for the future.. But I will greatly cherish the one I have now...

I love you Bjorn Chai Kai Wei!!!

Life as it is

Sometimes i still wonder how we fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning..
Sonetimes i wonder how it really feels to be asleep..
What we do and what we look like during our sleep..
How is sleeping different from resting in peace forever..
Why do people sleep temporarily and why some sleep permanently..

Whatever the reason is, I am thankful that i still have the chance of opening my eyes this morning..
Waking up to be held in the arms of someone you love..
Makes me feel that there is someone here who still loves me and want me..
Holding him back makes me feel that he will be the reason i live my life today..
Observing your sleep, makes me think how lucky i am to be by your side, being with you and still be able to see you.. :)

Many things in life are unpredictable.. Cherish every moment you have coz you'll never know when life us going to take you..

Someday...

Sometimes i wonder if you have ever noticed me..
Sometimes i wonder if you would actually think of me..
Sometimes i wonder if you would like to meet me..

In times i hope that you would notice me..
In times i hope that you would think of me and..
In times i hope you'll want to meet..

Others seem so friendly and caring,,
Others seem to have no problem meeting me..
Others seem to want to know me better even i keep my silence..

But you are someone different..
You are kind but yet unkind,,
You are friendly but yet unfriendly,,
You seem to not want to meet me at all,,
You seem to be bored of looking at my face..

But that's who you are.. And that makes me fall for you..

Just hoping that someday you'll know how i really feel about you.. ;)

What's inside my heart now..

Should i let the feelings go or should i keep it??!! But now i dun wanna fall in love.. I dun wanna get hurt,, i dun wanna get played,, i dun wanna be left.. I wanna be loved.. But does he have it too?? Do i have the love for him??!!!

I am not even effin sure of my damn feelings!!!! What should i do now??!! I wanna cry!!! I wanna shout!!! I really dun wanna this to go on anymore.. I dun wanna love.. I dun wanna like.. I dun wanna bet with my heart..

I wanna let it go!!!!!!! Far far far far away!!!!!!!!! Fuck love!!!!!!

Its 2:26 am
Its 25th june 2011

My letter to GOD

Dear GOD,

Almighty GOD that everyone give respect to,, please hear my prayers and show me the right way..

The right way to your house,, the right way to your kingdom...

Dear GOD,, lighten my path so that i know where i am going,, lighten my days so that i could to everything to the maximum.. Help me through all the impossibles and carry me through the wars.. Guide me through and stay with me forever..

Dear GOD, show me how to care and how to love the world you have created.. Teach me how to cherish every moment you provide me.. Guide me to use to the fullest of every opportunities you gave me..

Dear GOD, please help me to be strong and to believe that all things happen with a reason and everything has its time and moment..

Dear GOD,, remind me that love is something beautiful and i should be grateful that i still have what you call LOVE...

My final step

Finally i got to see you even when i have fallen asleep..
Finally i could feel you touched me and hold me..
Finally what i have wished for came true..
Finally i have let it go...

In my dreams you are perfectly the same..
In my dreams you are just who you are..

People say that when you could dream of someone,, that person in ur dream must have been thinking bout u lately.. However,, how much of it do you think is true??

Whatever the answer is,, i'm truly happy i could finally dream of you..

H.A.T.E

I hate this feeling of love where I had to actually fight and then get hurt again in the end.. But at the same time I can't deny that love is something beautiful, something great and amazing..

We come from different part of the world and met here.. We speak different language but it isn't a barrier for us.. We come from different culture and backgrounds but who will ever know what will be the outcome if we blends..

I am really confused and don't know whether this is a feeling of love or just admiration.. I know that I am happy whenever I see you and I am definitely looking forward in meeting you.. But at the same time I know that I cannot afford to meet you that often and that I should not do that.. I really don't want this feeling to grow more but I really can't deny and don't want to deny that I want to see you everyday..

I kept telling myself that you got a girl already and I should not bitch around,, but at the same time you treat me so well, again I kept telling myself that you are doing it to others too... BUT...............................................

I just don't want to get hurt.. I just don't want to play around anymore and I just don't want to love.........

YKS

You might not be the first i realized of
You might not be the first i hope for
You might not be the first i wanna know of
But you are sure the one i wanna be with now

My heart beats fast whenever you are near me..
My blood flows like waterfall when you are around me..

Your smile is one smile i can't resist to see
Your words are those i wanna hear the whole day
Your touch is one i wanna feel all the time
Your hug will be the one i miss every seconds of my life

I like you in every way
I love you... I think..
But i can't!!! Coz i just don't wanna get hurt again..

But baby please if you do feel the same for me... Please let me know..
Coz knowing we both have something for each other would be a dream come true...

Tak ingin

Tak ingin ku merasa begini
Tak ingin ku kembali mengalaminya
Tak ingin ku mencintai lagi

Pengalaman yang telah ku lalui
Masa masa yang tak bisa ku lupakan
Di saat mereka membuatku tergila-gila lalu meninggalkan diriku sendiri

Air mata yang sudah ku cucurkan
Sakit yang telah ku rasakan
Waktu yang telah terbuang karna mereka
Sudah menjadi bagian dari masa laluku

Tak ingin lagi menangis dalam kegelapan
Tak ingin lagi merasakan sakit itu
Tak ingin lagi membuang waktu untuk yg tak pastiii..

Saat ini aku hanya ingin bahagia.....
Ingin dicintai sepenuhnya....

Warmth in winter

The night so bright that i could see the stars
The weather so cold that i could see fogs everywhere
At the very same night i felt the warmth winter could give to me

It was a tiring day.. Staying alive to have my work done and surviving to be able to work till dawn
It was busy it was tough,, it was crowded it was chaotic.. It was freezing it was dark..
I wished i had the instrument to stop the time for just one minute to catch my breath..

In the very end i survived and that's all because of you..

The warm smile put on through your face,, the warm words came out of your mouth.. The warm touch of your hands.. That was the warmth i gain in winter..

Since then i've been thinking about you,, evry night and day,, every minute and seconds.. But i knew that i should not love you..

I don't wanna be hurt,, i don't wanna cry anymore.. I don't wanna be cheated and i don't wanna be leaped.. I don't wanna have to think and worry bout you,, i don't wanna see the fact that i am not the one lying in your arms..

But deep down inside i can't deny that the love has bloom within my own garden..

It is the warmth you have given me in winter.. :) 7/6/11

Cinta tiada akhir

Apa itu cinta?? Apa artinya cinta??
Adakah cinta itu?? Sampai kpan kah cinta itu bertahan??

Cinta apa yg qta sebut cinta sejati? Cinta apa yang membuat kita tak lagi kenal diri kita sndri?? Cinta apa yg membuat kita buta?? Cinta apa yg dapat merubah orang yg kita cintai?? Cinta apa yg bisa menguatkan kita? Cinta apa yg bisa membuat kita sadar akan kelakuan kita selama ini?? Cinta apa yg abadi??

Banyak jawaban untuk setiap prtnyaan di atas,, tergntung siapa yg menjawabnya.. Bagi org yg egois, smua jawabannya berdasarkan keinginannya.. Untuk org yg dewasa,, jawaban dri stiap prtnyaan di atas akan dibuat dngan pkiran panjang.. Untk anak kcil,, jawabannya akan dtang dri apa yg ia lihat, ia rasakan dan apa yg di dngarnya.. Dan msih bnyak lainnya penjelasan untk cinta..

Banyak yg terluka,, bnyak yg nngis,, bnyak yg melukai,, bnyak juga yg mengorbankan dirinya untuk cinta.. Di sisi lain, bnyak yg bahagia,, bnyak yg tersenyum,, banyak yg menari dan menyanyi demi cinta..

Dalam kehidupan kita,, cinta datang dri bnyak arah dan dari bnyak orang.. Cinta yg kita terima juga dari bnyak bntuk.. Namun cinta apa yg bisa bertahan selamanya??

Coba kita renungkan apa yg dimaksud dengan cinta?? Dan saat kita mendapatkan jawabannya,, kita juga sudah mendapatkan cinta tiada akhir.. ;)